Updated: Feb 14, 2021
If I write this, I will certainly be judged.
I believe you know me still,
And that means you know I care still.
1,000 miles away from the first day,
I sat days away from misery alone.
My being had become a stone inside,
Loneliness also not too far away.
It was the first day I was ever captivated at first sight,
My mind and spirit were quite insecure until that day.
The red sweater certainly gave a life I had not seen for some time,
You passed by,
Instantly grasping a hold of my eyes,
I also saw you be extremely generous with your time with someone you didn't know.
You form an overall opinion of someone within the first 7 seconds of acknowledging their presence,
I didn't even need a second.
The fluttering feeling gave meaning.
I knew this was a new beginning for my heart,
I had to see you again.
You are beautiful of course,
my over-anxious personality is quite impatient,
2 weeks was far too long to see your face again.
In those two weeks,
You didn't know I existed, but I asked about you more than twice. More than 3 times.
When I finally saw you again, I was extremely relieved.
This wasn't the first or last time your presence gave my emotion direction,
it was only before I'd lost all control of my emotion.
We actually met.
I don't believe, looking back on that day, you didn't think of the way I looked at you when I saw you in that red sweater 2 weeks ago,
you had a smile from ear to ear instantaneously.
Our conversation felt so natural,
I asked you so many questions,
I had to know it all.
That part makes me chuckle and blush a bit.
There was no hesitation from me on wanting to know everything about you,
that may never change.
Everything from my controversial past disappeared the moment we spoke,
I was in the moment and nowhere else every time we spoke.
All the things around me disappear when I see your smile and those brown eyes.
All things in life happen for a reason,
and there is no doubt of that.
My doubts came from knowing more and more of you.
First doubt was you finally growing annoyed of my endless questions, but that never really happened,
At least not in a nontraditional sense of annoying love.
Annoyance is just a love language, you know?
Fore we cannot keep our siblings and parents from being that one spot of smudge even after the counter top has been deemed spotless,
But we still appreciate the counter top, and that dish that caused the smudging.
The more questions I asked, the more I felt for you.
I continued to grow warm in your presence,
I've found a woman I can share my thoughts and feelings with on a possibly romantic level.
That was when my second doubt was actually death in my reality.
I shrugged my feelings off at the time as "Godly Purpose,"
there was a purpose for you already having a prior engagement,
so there was no reason to feel emptiness.
It only took about three hours, and I was thinking of you again,
that feeling from that day grew; it was disbelief that was shrouded by pitifulness.
I thought I would be over it within a day or two,
when it didn't happen, I felt sorrow and depression too.
"Why does this happen to me!?"
I was angry with God,
"I try every day to be a good person, but I am always forgotten!"
Sunken in my depression.
I didn't even want to look anyone in the eyes. Especially you.
When you're around, my emotions are worn on my sleeves,
Honestly anyone can see that.
The guilt of not knowing that you existed with another ate me alive from the inside,
Now guessing I had learned nothing from my past.
This lead me to apologizing to you,
if you knew exactly why I needed to apologize, for me, to you,
it was all me again.
Maybe I didn't need to say "sorry,"
You told me that I didn't need to say it with a huge smile and those patient eyes that took away all of those feelings I had before apologizing,
You told me I didn't need to worry.
My age about 24 at the time,
no one had ever told me in my entire life that I didn't need to apologize for feeling a certain way.
This was it.
My feet were planted and firm,
I knew exactly where they were,
Yet I had no say in the direction they stir.
I was already falling head over heels for you, and you didn't know it.
An entire hidden side of me opened up.
And from that moment, each day I learned more about myself than I ever had as long as my feelings for you were present.
Trying to deny that presence caused my mental existence to be nonexistent,
If I am not in those feelings, I feel vacant.
I'm not who I am if I never told you how I felt about you right away before I regretted it forever.
I learned from my past that, "If you need to say something, say it,"
I just never knew that part of that habit was because I generally felt guilty for the things I've always felt.
I would let things eat away at me until I was drowned in depression,
I can honestly say, because I told you I would I be honest with you, that I have not felt depressed since I met you.
Sad and overanxious over you?
All the time,
but never depressed.
I wanted you around all the time,
Did you know that about me?
I was worried every time you weren't around.
I am your number one fan,
My fandom makes a rapid mezzo forte sound.
I want everyone in and out of my social circles to know that you have my heart,
"Do not ask me of women,"
My standards are so high you would need a ladder to reach it,
Common attraction will never do it.
I wouldn't be able to do anything about your hold over me even if I tried.
If I'm completely being honest, as I told you I would always be,
I know you too became a fan of mine,
Denying it wouldn't be true even if you tried.
Girls have tell-tale signs when they feel certain things:
When they finally get that cheeseburger they'd been waiting on for hours,
When they aren't getting the attention they deserve,
Or when they receive a rose on Valentine's Day and feel like the most loved and beautiful woman on Earth,
In which that rose is what you deserve.
You have feelings for me.
It's not only in your eyes, but the way you dressed, let your long brown hair down, when you would blush when I would say certain things, how you would linger around me, or not let me go away without another word, your cute giggle and laugh when I would say things that weren't too funny to begin with, when you would ask about me, when you would mimic little things I do that you didn't think I noticed.
The more you felt for me, the more I also saw your emotions being worn on your sleeve too,
some things you just can't hide.
The emotions annoyed you at times, and you'd pull away, and then I'd pull away.
A day or two. Sometimes a week. Sometimes a couple of weeks, but we always ended up back in our passion.
Maybe that's the key stronghold on our bond; our passion.
My irrational and abrasive passion comes from my mother I know,
could you tell me where yours comes from soon?
You have a natural passion...
poking around you to find the button.
Where your passion comes from?
I suppose it would be pretty selfish to say, "It doesn't matter..."
as long as you are as passionate as I am, it's enough for me.
It kills me every day that you never admit how you feel about me,
I'm human, but most human when it comes to you, I need to hear it.
Small affirmations were enough for me, as long as I could still be around.
I wished to be in your life for as long as I could see where I wanted to be in my future,
not knowing my goals for my future is not in my nature.
Now all of a sudden, we're both not around.
If only I can tell you about all of my dreams and hopes,